Fear

Fear.

Some of you may know this by now but this blog was created to help me begin writing a culmination of articles that could eventually be combined into a book. I personally had to do this because I didn’t have the confidence to sit down for months on end and compose an entire book. There were many demons and when they came up I HAD to write them down and send them out to the world immediately, or hide them in my closet of pain again. If I didn't get rid of them, send them out into the thrift store of shattered dreams they would eventually come back to haunt me on a cold day when everything was dirty and that scratchy sweater would be all that was left to wear. I have received tremendous support in ways that I never imagined, thus giving me a new wardrobe of clothes to wear for any occasion. I didn’t expect this. I expected only to compile a collection of memories and articles and copy paste them into a book.

Fear is an interesting thing, and facing fear always seems to bring the greatest surprises. Coach Taylor Thomas of Thomas Endurance Coaching has over a decade of helping athletes, otherwise known as humans who like athletics, overcome fear and accomplish their goals. He recently published an article in TrainingPeaks.com titled How to Overcome Your Fear of Failure. In this article, he explains that an essential component for success is to examine the why’s of this fear and assess the role it is played in your life before. The process of writing this has helped me do that and more.

Fear of writing, sharing, expressing and moving through my past is just one way that it has ruled my decisions and there are three reasons that come to mind that may help explain this trepidation. First, I was scared the memories would bring up pain too overwhelming to deal with and I would relapse/fail, becoming the person I was trying to get away from (failure and confirming belief about self). Second, I was scared of what people may think and do with the information I shared (fear of others/self). Third, I feared everything would actually come out and I would never be able to reverse what I put out there. I would always have to be me after, a person I didn’t entirely know when I first began this journey (Fear of SPIRIT/Connection).

Later in Coach Taylor’s article he outlines three ways to help you gain mastery over your fear- 1) being positive, 2) making reasonable goals and 3) finding a support group. These three things have helped me to rise and grow and begin experiencing life with a quality I never dreamed of. Ironically, these three things are tied like a monkeys fist to the three reasons I stated above. Therefore, without examining the reasons for my fear I would have never been able to live out the things that coach Taylor explains solve many persons limitations towards living to their maximum or achieving their athletic goals. The process of this blog has made all this possible.

For myself, I had no way to be positive. I had done so many shameful things in my past and only a few weeks prior to starting this blog I had relapsed, attempted suicide, wound up in jail, and overdosed on pills. At this point I had been attempting sobriety for a year, and these instances confirmed that I had become, yet again, an utter failure. My attempts at sobriety came with expectations for others and myself that were not met and this crushed me. Also before writing this I didn’t have a support group at all. This was because I never asked for help, I never put myself out there and I figured this was the only way to live because I was alone in my experiences, unique in my pain, isolated in my fears.

Thanks to the audience of this blog however, all of these things have been fixed. Countless people have said they were proud of my work and that it was inspiring. Hearing this let me feel for the first time that my experiences, my life, my thoughts could be used for something positive (overcoming failure and belief of self). Crossing that first finish line, after nearly drowning in the swim, and writing out my first handful of articles helped me see and set realistic expectations for myself (fear of others/self). Finally, and most important, before starting sobriety and triathlon I kind of thought I was alone, or one of the few people out there living in crippling fear and anxiety. But, every one of the athletes who has reached out to me to share and support trials to triathlon has express that they too faced fear related to training and races. Countless people have asked me how I deal with anxiety and get past trauma. It has become possible to live as a person I never dreamed of, a person who has something to give to a community and to the human race. I finally feel that I have purpose in my life (fear of SPIRIT/connection).

Is this possible for anyone? SURE!!!

It is hard to be positive. It is hard to make goals for yourself, especially if you have had a hard time in the past achieving much. Lastly, it is very hard to put yourself out there and find community and support. My book will deal with these things in more detail, but let me give you a little tease. First, look at your fear and be assured that no matter who you are or what you have been through get over the thought that you are alone and unique. Once you are able to do this it will be easier to share. Once you share you will see that no matter who you are or what you have been through you are not alone and all the things in your life can be used in a positive light. Once you see that you can be positive then it is finally possible to set goals and achieve things you never dreamed of. At last you will have support to reach those goals, you can be positive and you can actualize your potential!

I look forward to putting this all into my book and helping others actualize their potential and live to the maximum. It is coming along pretty well so far and I truly appreciate all of your continued support!