Married, Coming out, Divorce: It Hurts

Today started off lovely with an early morning 2-hr cycling session. I knew the day had a lot of things going on in it, but I didn’t foresee how emotionally tolling it would end up being. It’s left me exhausted.

Today marks the day I’ve finalized my second divorce. In many ways, this can be construed as a good thing for both parties. I’m gay and my ex-wife no longer has to deal with being married to a gay man. But when it comes to the heavy feelings that arose shadow was cast over all the good things, the thrill came to a halt and I wept.

The Divorcce

The divorce happened over the phone. The honorable judge read through a script that basically went over everything in our agreement. He would question her as to if she agreed to each variable and then he questioned me verbatim the same thing. It was so impersonal that a computerized android could have been doing this task. It was so impersonal that initially I thought it was making it easier. Until it wasn’t.

The judge got around to asking questions similar to what they ask when they marry you, except the exact opposite. Instead of, “do you take this woman to be your wife?” and a follow up, “till death do you part” he said, “with everything presented here are you in agreement that a dissolution of marriage is in the best interest of each party?” After replying in agreement, he said “and do you know that this can’t be undone?”

The Feelings

I need to be frank here. All I wanted to do was to shout back and say no! No, I don’t want to go through with this. I want to take it all back. I miss my wife. I miss our perfect little American dream life. I miss making her breakfast when I’m done training. I miss her cheering me on in triathlon. I miss cuddles and I miss her laughter. I miss her smell and I miss her embrace after a particularly challenging day. The only thing I don’t miss is hetero-sex, but that’s such a small thing in the grand scheme, can’t I take it all back?!

Nope. No taking it back at this point. I’m pretty far down the path I set my feet upon when I decided to finally accept who I am as a gay man and yes, I’m happy with that decision. But there was a time in our marriage where I honestly believed I had finally defeated my homosexual tendencies. I really did. I really believed that she was the woman for me and I the man for her. We were happy. We were real. It was no game.

Unfortunately, this gay thing doesn’t go away, but that’s okay! I have learned to use my lessons as fuel to my fire. I can now use the pain of this experience to help encourage other young men as they come out. I can help show them that the fears of coming out are not real, but the pain they may cause if they continue to hide will surely be real and can be tragic. The pain I had during this divorce was excruciating. I wept on my floor after it was done and I’m sure it was no walk in the park for my ex-wife.

A call for a more open world

The simple jest of it is that even if you don’t believe in gay marriage as being right or wrong, no one should be forced to lie about how and who they share their love and intimacy with. There are thousands of these cases, I hear about them all the time. These are cases filled with pain that didn’t have to happen. Sure, good things came out of certain situations. Like my sons, I’m so very thankful for them. But would I choose to hurt two wonderful women with beautiful souls so that I could have two sons? Absolutely not. I would never choose this same road if I could do it again. I would have come out much earlier. Not for the sex and dating, but for the sake of everyone involved. But, standing here now I don’t regret it. I’m grateful because now I can use this part of my story to help build a stronger tomorrow for our children and you can use this part of my story, and other similar ones, to help build a more open world.

Thanks and love!

Don’t forget the book that describes this all in much more detail is out for pre-order here!

Mark TurnipseedSeptember 12, 2020coming outComment

Nov 17, 2020

Coming Out and Relationships with My Sons

Coming out as gay has turned out to be the most beneficial thing I could have done with my sons. I was so scared it was going to hurt them. But, turns out our relationships have become closer and more authentic and more satisfying.

Sep 12, 2020

Coming out while married is a very hard thing. This is the type of thing that we can prevent by having a more open and accepting world. Even if you don't believe in gay-marriage I'm sure you believe in alleviating the type of pain I caused by forcing myself to believe I was straight. We can do this with kindness and openness.

Aug 15, 2020

Under Pressure: What it's like coming out after 30 years

Coming out as gay at 33 is hard. When most kids were finding out who they were in high school, I was busy hiding who I was. Now, I’m working on developing that person with the added pressures of being an adult and sometimes it just feels like too much. In this article, I talk about how I’ve learned to cope. Sober, in peace, and effectively.

Aug 14, 2020

Inspect Belief Patterns, Not Laws: moving past LGBTQ discrimination

We can make as many laws as we want to protect a race, a sex, a religion, or sexual identity but until we make a change in belief patterns the laws will have little effect. For LGBTQ discrimination, I notice through my own homophobia, that I need to begin seeing this community as a positive. When this happens, I more fully accept the gay in me and the gay in my brother or sister. Try it and see if it works for yourself too.

Aug 7, 2020

Speedo Awakening: A release from shame

Shame over my body started when I was a child. I thought that because I liked boys that I should have been born a girl. But a speedo in my 30's allowed me to recognize the man I was and the body I now loved and cherished.

Jul 24, 2020

Body Shame

Body Shaming happens we make someone feel ugly, gross, and unworthy because of their body type and I've experienced it in every phase of my development. When someone asked me how I built confidence in my body, I was instantly drawn to question my own confidence and face my own shame.

Jul 17, 2020

I Owe Apologies

I didn't think this blog would lead to me coming out as gay, but it did and when it did, I didn't think there was much left to share, but there is. There is more to share now than ever and for me it's more important than ever to share it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. Here’s to a new journey!

Feb 11, 2020

What Coming Out as Gay Does Not Mean: The Final Post

The final fear I had to face in the trials to triathlon story is revealed in this post. It is finally time to accept fully who I am, regardless of the consequences and step out with pride and confidence. I’m gay.

But, what does this all mean? What is going to change? What is next?

Oct 13, 2019

The Truth Behind The Smile

My psychological make up has made me particularly sensitive to the horrible things I have learned to call myself. May these thoughts arise from others, social-stigma's or diagnosis, they don't have to have power over me any more. But sometimes they do and when they do, I get to grow.