Inspect Belief Patterns, Not Laws: moving past LGBTQ discrimination

The thoughts for this blog article were inspired when I came out to my son and a documentary “For They Know Not What They Do”

A Film calling exposing LGBTQ Discrimination within the church and political world

As the movie began, I was tense and nervous, feeling cool on my legs, sweaty on my hands and stiff in my joints. A strong beginning with political, religious, and societal messages. The tone was against everything I was born to cherish, sending a wave of regret through my veins, and I stared straight ahead, trying not to catch the eye, the smirk, or the look of disapproval from my parents who were joining me. I could tell from the beginning that this was not going to be an easy film for this particular viewing party.

I have been a closet homosexual my entire life, since my first memories and I’m 33. That means I have lived with secrets so big, for most my life that I’m honestly lucky to have survived this long. Many don’t and I’ve had my share of close calls with drug overdose’s and suicide attempts that can be traced back to my fears related to exposure and lies of my sexual identity. My first gay love, Ryan Robertson, is one of the many soldiers who didn’t make it out alive. He never lived to tell his tale from the closet, but in this movie his parents join together and bring his voice back to life.

I mentioned the film briefly to my mother after a heart to heart discussion that arose after she questioned my ‘new’ sexual identity.

We were sitting down finishing up breakfast and my father excused himself to the restroom. The golden opportunity arose and my mother said, “ok, now that he’s gone for a second I need to tell you that I don’t believe your ex-wife is comfortable with you teaching your son’s about this new sexual gay lifestyle, they are scared the boys will take it on, that you will force it on them.”

Ignorance and fear are opportunities to build relationships and learn

My blood didn’t boil, but I knew this needed to be attended too. See this type of thinking isn’t bad, it’s just ignorance and fear. Ignorance and fear aren’t necessarily bad and I surely can’t judge people for having either as I’m full of both. I’ve learned over the past few months while looking at my own internalized homophobia and racism that both fear and ignorance are simply golden opportunities for education and bridging relationships that otherwise may never converge.

“It’s not a new thing mom, I have been gay since I was 6 years old.”

I said and the look on her face indicated that she longed for more, so I took a deep breath, about to begin when my dad came back around the corner. I exhaled, relieved, but frustrated, and peered toward my father. My mother, following my eyes, saw him coming and said, “Ben, why don’t you head back to the hotel and Mark and I can chat for about 30 minutes?” I could tell by how quickly he agreed that he knew what was being said and that he didn’t want to take part in this uncomfortable discussion, which is okay, ignorance and fear are uncomfortable, I don’t blame him.

You know how sometimes words come to you like they are flowing out of a stream; natural and refreshing while other times it’s like squeezing rocks through a gunbarrell? Well, just the right amount of exercise that morning seemed to pair with a good meal and adequate coffee leading the following words to slide out of my lips like diamonds being placed on the coming out crown of jewels. It felt so natural, so smooth, so right. I went on to tell the story about how I came out to my son in hopes that may do two things. First, disabuse the thought I was trying to teach him to be gay and second, well, I honestly thought that my mother deserved to hear how I really felt about this whole thing and I don’t think I’ve ever been more honest than when I told my son.

I sat Owen (my son) down and said I’d like to talk to him. I had been missing my ex-wife lately and I just wanted to know if he felt the same way.

“Do you miss Jess and I being together?” I asked.

“No, I get to see her a lot,” He quickly replied matter of fact.

“Yea, I guess that makes sense,” I returned.

“Well, I just wanted to ask you that because lately, I’ve missed her a lot. Jess was my best friend” I went on to explain, “your mother was my best friend too.”

He looked at me with question marks in his eyes. I had been divorced from his mother for 6 years, but just recently divorced from Jess and it only now made sense why all my heterosexual relationships ended with frustration, anxiety, and discord. It’s just not a good idea to marry heterosexual when you’re gay.

“I hurt both your mother and Jess, with lies, son. Actually, I hurt a lot of people with lies, because these are lies that I’ve been telling since I was a boy about your age.”

“What do you mean dad?” he interrupted.

“Well, when I was a kid, I was a little different than some of the other boys. I used to like things like dolls, theater, and musicals while other boys, especially my brother liked GI Joe, baseball and action movies,” I said with a chuckle behind my words.

“I like acting and musicals” he replied with emphasis and innocence.

“That’s great! There is nothing wrong with liking musicals and theater and dolls.” I grinned, held my chin up and the continued,

“But, when I was a kid these things were looked by parents in a slightly different light. Plus, it wasn’t just dolls that I liked. While most kids had crushes on little girls, you see, I had friends who were girls and I had crushes on other little boys. I remember one time asking a girl over and asking her to wear her golden dress. Not because I liked her and wanted to kiss her, but because I liked her dress. It wasn’t long until I was made fun of for this by cousins and friends and that, Owen, that’s when I started to lie.”

I could tell he wanted to hear more so I kept going, “I lied about liking sports and I lied about liking girls, like your mother and Jess. I mean I loved them, but not in the way a husband and wife are supposed to love each other. Your mother needed more than a friend, and so did Jess. When I couldn’t give that to your mother, I started using drugs and alcohol and unfortunately that’s what caused our divorce. The same thing was about to happen with Jess, but instead of using drugs and alcohol, I decided to just stop living the lie.”

“So you used drugs and alcohol to cover up a lie you had since you were a kid?”

“Yes son, does that make sense?”

“dad, I understand why you are writing a book now!”

After he said that I had a great big laugh and a grin across my face. He then attempted to rehearse my story, but seeing as though it’s pretty complex, he quit after a few sentences and came across the room to give me a hug.

You see mother, I am sharing this with my son as a way for a better life. This day in age we need to start being open. We need to be open about our identity, there’s no reason to hide who we are. There’s no reason to live in fear. There’s no reason to try and be something you are not. I feared this for so long and I constantly question why. Why did I fear this all along? I mean, all that happened when I came out was people saying they loved me, were proud of me, and I got a lot of pre-quarantine hugs from people I haven’t hugged before.   

But, maybe. Come to think of it, maybe it was just my timing. Maybe there is a reason to fear it and a reason bad things happen when people come out. This is when I suggested the documentary to my mother.

After watching this documentary it became clear, there is reason to fear coming out. For some people, coming out may end up quite brutal. Take my friend Ryan for instance. He came out to his parents when he was 12 years old. At this age a person is very formidable, and Ryan was the type of guy who had this untethered, unadulterated trust in others; especially his parents. Coming out for Ryan was not met with willingness to and openness to understand where he was coming from, given his parents very close affiliation and dedication to the evangelical church, this just didn’t sit well. Rather, when he came out it was seen as a spiritual problem that needed fixing.

Ryan gave himself over to this ‘fixing’, he tried everything in blind faith for the God he was raised to believe in, for his parents, and for himself. He, like many other boys including myself, didn’t want to be gay, his parents didn’t want it for him, and his God condemned it. That’s what we are faced with and if that doesn’t breed rational fear, then I don’t know what does.  

How can we change this? How can we make it a place where coming out doesn’t have to be feared? Ultimately, that’s what this documentary showed me. It showed a start to answering this question.  

As I sat there watching I squirmed, uncomfortable and afraid. I was scared to make eye contact with my parents. Then, my mother reached over and placed her soft hand on my wrist and gently rubbed my skin with her thumb. I let out a breath of pinned up air. What was happening?

Well, fear was being released, that’s what was happening. The most powerful thing that this movie brought to the forefront on my head was that gay isn’t a negative. You would think I’d understand that by now, but I needed this reminder today. Gay isn’t negative. Wow. I can’t honestly believe that I still feel like it is, somewhere inside. Then Ryan’s mother, Linda says one of the most powerful things I could imagine while reflecting on a group she started within her church for gay men after Ryan’s death. I paraphrase:

I don’t know why I ever was afraid that Ryan would become like any of these men. I would be honored to let any of these men be a mentor to any of my children. They are some of the greatest men that I know.

Gay Is a Positive

Gay isn’t a negative in fact, if embraced, gay can be a positive. If embraced, like Linda Robertson did, it can be a huge positive. That, I firmly believe is where we need to begin.

The documentary shows that simply allowing gay marriage isn’t an end in and of itself. This isn’t an end to the discrimination that occurs. The only way to end the discrimination is to view it as a positive, as something to be embraced. By viewing any differences as a positive we are able to join together building a more vibrant culture with stronger community. We don’t need legal action as much as we need to begin spreading the view that gay is positive. If we begin seeing it as a positive, then the appropriate legal action will surely follow. This, dear friends are my opinion on this matter. This is how I’m going to eradicate the fear of being gay in my own heart and I urge you to try this too, gay or not and if you need a jumping off point, then watch this documentary, it may help!

Rent or buy the documentary here: https://www.fortheyknow.org/ 

Also, don’t forget the Trials to Triathlon book is out for pre-order here!