Speedo Awakening: A release from shame

First, allow me to provide a little background context for this article. When I first started triathlon, the first fears that I had to get over was running in public with spandex.

This horrified me. Once I tried it, however, I loved it. Actually, it kind of added a pop to my step. But overcoming this fear didn’t help when it came to wearing a speedo. Unfortunately, I lost my swim suit that covered my thighs and I went to the closest place that sold competetive swimwear in Denver. Come to find out, in this area of mountain and snow, swimsuits are a rare commodity to be hanging on the shelves. But, I found one. Unfortunately, once I got to the store all I could find was a itsy bitsy teeny tiny little black mens speedo. I weighed my pros and cons. I knew missing my workout only two weeks before my first long-course triathlon would weigh horribly heavy. I decided the speedo wouldn’t cause as much anxiety, so I purchased it and ran out the door, hopped into my truck, and sped to the swimming pool.

On my way I remember feeling like this was a convenient joke God was playing. Throughout the course of my training for this race I have had to face all sorts of challenges and fears that stem from my childhood, and this one really hit hard. When I was a kid I was on a swim team and my mother said I never came out of the water without the gold medal. She claimed I was a natural. This was about the same time that I was experiencing shame and confusion over my sexuality and gender. So with these insecurities and fears I ended up dropping out of swim team and took to peewee football. Speedo’s were just too gay and they looked like something girls wore. I couldn’t go to one more practice.

A speedo marked a pivotal day in my triathlon experience and learning how to begin eradicating my shame. So now, the story:

A text message popped up and read, “that’s not going on Instagram is it?” and my stomach dropped into my pelvis. It felt as if everything inside me was going to spill out onto the locker room floor from where I sent the selfie to my wife of me proudly wearing a speedo.

I looked down and touched began gliding my finger from my belly slowly down to where the speedo rested beneath my natural waistline. I followed with my eyes while I pressed lightly against the fabric with my finger half on the new bathing suit and half on my skin. I felt a shudder as I crossed from my stomach to my side and to my hip. I looked into the mirror and shifted my weight to the side, protruding the hip touched by the finger and dropped my hand to where the speedo cupped my butt, I turned around while placing my full hand on my ass at this point totally unaware that someone might pop in the locker room at any moment I reached my hand back and slapped my butt.

Clap! It made me smile, I felt like a queen.

I arched my back, protruding my butt back further and stepping into my shape I lifted both my arms up high and then flung them down to my sides as I caressed my hips with both hands. I could feel the hair of my legs standing up as I rolled my hands from my butt to the back portion where the swimsuit met my hamstrings and I felt light as a feather, delicate as a snowflake, and sexy as I have ever felt in my life. My swimsuit began to lift, and pulse then bulge and I knew it was time to stop entertaining myself and get to my workout.

This erotic surge of confidence and fulfillment propelled me through the laps of my swim session. I knew upon coming home I would get some feedback about the speedo and for the first time in my life that thought didn’t scare me. I loved it, while touching myself I finally felt the man who I had become and for the first time in my life I loved him back. I got out of the pool with a new steam. I quickly grabbed my things and ran to the locker room to look in the mirror again.

Look at me. The front of my swimsuit again began to swell. I love it. I’ve never looked at myself and loved it. I’ve always been ashamed of my penis and confused about it. Why have it if I liked boys. Why was I cursed with this thing? As the erection grew stronger and filled the tight speedo to the point it began to hurt, I began feeling a new love for my sexuality and everything began to make sense. I pulled the speedo down and my erection shot forward and I looked in the mirror and I craved another man’s touch, another man’s gaze and another man who I could see and touch the same way I was seeing and touching myself. This is who I am. I’m Mark, a sober gay triathlete.

I wasn’t ready to face this. I still didn’t know for sure if I could go all the way. In a few days, the test would come. If I could face my fear of shaving my legs I could begin completely letting go of this toxic masculine garbage I accumulated to protect me my whole life….

The full story is now available for pre-order by clicking here!

Mark TurnipseedAugust 7, 2020swimming, shame, triathlon, trainingComment

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