Body Shame

I received a question from one of my dear followers a few days ago that said,

”How did you get brave enough or enough self-confidence to post pictures (specifically shirtless/working out).”

I was actually taken-aback and unable to respond immediately to the question. Instead, I asked his permission to sit on this for a few days to meditate and write about it because I think there is more at play than seen at face value with this question. My first thought is how unsettling it is that it takes confidence to share body pictures. Where does this come from? How is it healed? My second thought was whether I actually had the confidence that he seemed to see in my pictures, but we’ll deal with these in order.

First. Sure, we have heard that it comes from media and the depiction of the perfect bodies in magazines and the like. But I feel like that’s actually kind of a cop out. Is there something deeper going on here?  

I know for me I thought this would be healed once I reached the fit looking body type I had admired on Instagram and Men’s Health magazines.

But this didn’t actually happen this way and the few people I have been chatting with about this topic feel the same way.

My confidence, began building very shortly after stepping out onto the journey. I can recall posting shirtless pictures within a few weeks of my first workout. I may not have been standing on the apex of human fitness, but I was standing on the apex of human experience! I was so proud of myself just for getting off the couch for a few weeks in a row that I saw myself differently in the mirror, and in the camera lens. My confidence grew not because of some destination six pack, rather my confidence grew because of the destination journey.

Ultimately, I was showing my journey, not my body, and it felt great.

But to be honest, something curious has been unfolding for me now. I admit, I have reached a point in body composition that people admire, and a spot that I admire. But truth be told I’m not any happier and I’m not any more confident in taking pictures while working out. I still get the jitters a little bit when I pose for a gym selfie. Honestly, I still get a little nervous and self-conscious when I post the picture on my Instagram too.

This is further evidence to me that backs up the age old adage “joy is in the journey.” To battle confidence issues now I find myself continually falling back on the idea that somewhere, somehow, at some point out there in space and time I am inspiring someone, and this is enough to build my confidence back up.

But now, there are times I feel guilty and ashamed, much the same way I used to about my body before becoming fit. I do, it’s weird, and it’s something I didn’t foresee. I feel guilty and ashamed for having a level of fitness that’s admired in media. I feel bad for posting pictures without my shirt and I feel scared that other people will think I’m just showing off.

You won’t believe it but someone the other day commenting on my fitness said, “uhh your body just makes me want to throw up.”

Later in that same day I told someone I was headed to a beach in South Carolina and they replied, “You won’t fit in down there, you should go to Miami with a body like yours.” I also get people who say things like, “ohh you wouldn’t want to eat there, they don’t cook your type of food,” like I’m not good enough for the restaurants they like (or at least that’s how I feel it when I hear it).  

Guys, the comments just crushed me.

I haven’t felt so bad about myself in a long time. I really kind of lost it for a couple of days. I felt overwhelmed and disgusting. I felt like that fit bitch that no one wants to be around. Then I realized what was happening. Body shaming.

I was going through body shaming for having a fit body just like other times in my life when I wasn’t as fit and people commented on my extra cushion.

I was shocked. I thought this would all be healed when I got fit, but it didn’t. Luckily, sobriety has helped me to see feelings as my best friend. When feelings of shame came upon me, the fear, the self-depreciation, the depression, it all came back and I knew this simply meant I needed to look and find out where I was in my journey. These days I have found a way to stop shame before it tells me I’m a bad person. Today, shame tells me there is something I need to accept. With acceptance I have learned to reject shame.

So, if I accept my journey and where I’m at in it, then I should be able to reject the shame!

See my fitness journey hasn’t ended, I’m not there because I now have a six pack. My fitness journey is one to find constant improvement in mind, body, and spirit and to use the lessons I learn with people who are just beginning. My journey is about sharing the hope in each stage of the process. My journey isn’t about glamour or fame. It’s about showing people that if I did it, and continue to do it, in the face of shame, in the face of depression, in the face of addiction, then they can to.

So where does the confidence come from? The confidence my reader comes when I accepted my journey and it continues to stay that way no matter how far I tend to go. We are able to reject the shame we have about our bodies when we accept our journey and find joy in our mission. So that’s all, it’s really quite simple. Find where you are in your journey. Embrace it and ride it and have fun, but most of all love yourself.       

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