Anxiety and Swimming
I have long struggled with anxiety. When I was a child a couple of things occurred that stripped my identity, confidence, and view of self. These events are in more detail in my other blog article titled, “Life after Sexual Victimization, Freedom in Recovery Pt. 1.”
Viewing myself as a person who did not fit in with any one group (identity), who could not succeed and was not good at anything (confidence), and hated his own thoughts and feelings because they were dirty (view of self) led me to fearing every situation that I came across. In order for me to rise through this a few things had to happen.
In the bullet points below I outline the stages that my mind and spirit went through as recovery settled in. Once I was sober feelings surged over me like a tidal wave. Anxiety levels were catapulted to an all time high. Fear rose up in me that would make my stomach burn and my head feel as heavy and awkward as an anvil. This was the point where I could make it or break it. For me, it was life or death. At this point, however, my drunken rages were taking me towards suicide and homicidal behavior rather than towards release and carefree dancing and conversations. So there was no choice if I wanted to live. I had to sit with my fear, anxiety and depression while it passed or go back to drugs and alcohol and ultimately pull the trigger. I decided to hear my cousin, Alden out and see if I too couldn’t find a new solution. He played a central roll because I was able to relate to him and therefore see that if he could do it then it may be possible for me.
The process my mind and spirit followed runs parallel with my experience in the swim portion of triathlon. I did not believe in myself (confidence), my thoughts belittled and stalled me in the water (view of self), I was not a long distance swimmer (identity). It wasn’t until I heard a man who had a number of Ironman’s under his belt say, “when I first started triathlon I did not even know how to swim.” When I heard this I knew somewhere in my heart there was hope that I too could one day swim lap after lap… But it was a process and here it is:
Find Hope (faith)
I had to find that I could rise above. I had to learn I was no different from the myriad of people who faced adversity in their lives but still found a way to thrive. With hope comes the groundwork of faith. I began to believe that if a program of value based principles worked for some people who had it worse than myself, it too could work for me. Seeing those that went before me gave me hope and began to build what I would later call faith.
This little block towards faith and belief was all I needed to jump into the steps that would soon set me free. This is the same faith I follow when I feel like I can’t go on while swimming. I narrow down my focus on my form and soon enough my heart rate settles and I push through my goal. Similarly, if I ever get a craving for a drug or alcohol and feel like sinking I know looking at my sobriety form will pull me out
Gain Confidence
There is no way to gain confidence if you don’t first jump in. Swimming taught me this more than the other two disciplines. When I first jumped in the water I could barely swim 50 yards without sucking in water and coughing. But I had hope. I had hope because I saw other people ahead of me doing it, and I could make it 50 yards. I set a goal to make it 100 yards. I reached each goal and this increased my confidence.
Build Strength
Confidence gave me the ability to push myself. I began experimenting with open water swims in freezing lakes, going longer distances, pushing my times and challenging myself in intervals, and practicing with equipment like paddles and bouy’s that helped build strength.
In the same way, as I began to have confidence in myself as a person I was able to go into situations that I would not dare enter without a pill bottle full of xanax and a bottle of Vodka. When I succeeded, I gained more hope and more confidence and more strength. Now I am on my way to an Ironman!
I now walk into new situations without anxiety medications or a small bottle of vodka in my cowboy boots and brief case. I don’t need to take a pill before a job interview or a meeting with a judge. Are these things still scary? Yes. But now I view them as challenges much like I view every swim practice. I am now excited to for these events to occur in my life! I enjoy the feeling of not knowing if I can do it and then proving to myself that I can. Each time I hop in to water or a new fearful situation I have hope. When I start swimming or talking I gain confidence and after a mile or two I start building strength and pushing the limits further. I get further and further from my fear and closer and closer to the man my God built me to be.
And I am not alone! Below I’d like to share with you a story of another author who has found swimming to help with his anxiety. This is a great read from Derek Beres who once suffered from crippling anxiety.
Click on the button below and enjoy some more reading!!
Swim Anxiety
Click below to read how one Author found swimming to help reduce anxiety