Post-Posting Reflections
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase”
YUCK!
I thought that writing out my garbage and disclosing my past was supposed to help me feel better about it. Okay, Ill be honest, it did at first. Finally letting go of the words helped me to feel like those things were no longer mine.
You see, If I throw a baseball to another person technically the baseball becomes the others responsibility right when it leaves my hand. It is no longer mine. Yes I can contemplate how I may have thrown it too hard, to high or in the wrong direction (and I did sit for hours thinking of a hundred better ways to present my first post). But, once thrown, it has left my hand and I must sit with the outcome. The other person can decide what they are going to do. They can get out of the way of the screamer, blind their eyes from the sun from looking up at a pop fly or dive for the catch. The freedom of sending the ball out of my hand was great. But, as it continued to fly I wondered where it was going to end up. As it got closer I realized it was off a little bit and I began holding my breath. THEN the catch came, THUD! The ball crashed into a mit, most likely stinging the hand of the catcher. Then came the thoughts. Instantly my mind went through a bewildering triad of tangled mental floss.
One set of thoughts is slightly objective and not too difficult to stomach.
What the experience was like for the other person? Does their hand hurt because I threw the ball to hard? Did they have to squint their eyes in the sun and cause temporary blindness? Did they pull a muscle by stretching their arm too far in one direction to reach for it?
The other set of thoughts are based on what they do with the experience. Are they blaming me for the experience? Is it my fault that their hand hurts, or that their eyes hurt or their muscle is pulled?
The last sets of thoughts are the hardest. Do they think I am an overall bad partner to play catch with? Am I dirty, unworthy, despicable?
The last questions I ask myself because I tie what may or may not be someone’s experience to the identity I have created for myself when I think about these experiences. I am able to avoid this identity, this part of my ego, when I don’t think about these experiences. However, when I relive them and imagine the images entering another mind I instantly complete the rest of their thoughts and put tags on myself. At this moment all of the negative thoughts infiltrate my spirit.
YUCK
I did not see that coming!
Upon unraveling some of this mental floss and reflecting on my feelings I began to realize that I did not need to tie the experience someone else is having with my identity. The truth is that many things, good and bad have happened in my life and I am not the good or the bad things that happened. Too often, I take a situation that happened and I say, “Why did this happen to me,” causing what my triathlon coach and mentor calls a “tummy (to-me) ache.” If, however, I look at this experience ever so slightly different then I can be at peace, avoiding a tummy ache.
Everything happens for a reason. If it happens for a reason then it didn’t happen to me, it happened for me. After something happens its best to move on and use it rather than letting it use me, as I have done for many years with this stuff. Sometimes it is hard to see what I should do with something and I begin to believe that the world is against me. When this is happening I know it is best to just change the words around and find out how I can use it.
If your wondering when I will get to the softer stuff about triathlon, my training and the great things that have happened since I began to make steps to turn my life around you are not alone. I am hoping to get there sooner than later. BUT there is a lot of exploring left and I'm uncertain where it will go besides pen to paper!
“Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know everything happens for a reason”