The Nit & Grit Cont.

When I went to rehab I was full of fear. It has taken a few years to realize that I went for the sole reason of avoiding the impact that was a consequence of living in this fear. It was not until 3 years after rehab- about 6 relapses later and a suicide attempt that I began to understand the role fear played on my life. I will get to the relapse trials much later on. I just wanted to mention them now to point out that going to rehab was not the answer. The answer came much later on with an entirely deeper bottom than I could have imagined. For now, more on avoidance.

You may ask, how is going to rehab avoidance. Is not going to rehab admitting that I had a problem and that I wanted help to fix it? Well, my answer is yes… and no. I knew that I had a problem with opiates, but I did not entirely wish to have help fixing what caused my relationship with opiates. I need to note that I also thought that my problem was only opiates, not benzodiazepines (Xanax), weed, LSD, alcohol and marijuana. I actually believed that these were good for me, as long as I wasn’t mixing them with opiates. I used these things to keep my anxiety at bay or to experience music or hiking or skiing in a deeper way. I saw these things as medicine to help me see and be a part of the world. I did not notice my true addiction was avoiding fear. After all, Id ski any slope that you put me on. When I ended up with a concussion 3 years after rehab my gps clocked me going 75 miles per hour over a jump. I wasn’t scared. I was also stoned as Chong and drunk as Hemingway. When I went to rehab I had the same problem I had when I ended up with the concussion that left me speaking word salad for two weeks. I know now that placing myself at the center of the world creates a lot of responsibility, thus a lot of fear. If I am the center of the world then everything works based on my performance. If I am a man prostituting myself out, poking needles in my arm and drinking for oblivion then and this is my performance then the world does not have a very solid center. That is precisely why the saying goes, “the world is crashing down on me.” At the time I went to rehab the world was crashing on me and I needed a safe place to go since the drugs were not getting me high enough to reach that safety cloud above my swamp of self below, rehab was that place.

What I did not realize is that the only way for the world to crash down on me was if I was the center of it. If I took myself out of the center and actually asked for help or sought out other peoples company and love then all of a sudden things are not crashing on me any more. But this realization came much further down the line, I had a lot of suffering left to do and many more world sized mudslides to withstand.

Rehab ended up just another tour I took to avoid my fear. Rehab was a vacation from my fear. Rehab was a place with clean sheets and food. Rehab did not police closing in on me. Rehab was free of my enemies. I could act like I didn’t have any of these problems in rehab. And I did. I acted like I wasn’t confused at all. I acted like I knew how everything worked. I had a degree in psychology and had been to rehab for 2 years as a teenager. I had learned the comfort of rehab and knew the ropes.

To be continued- Learning the Ropes (manipulating life)

Mark TurnipseedAugust 10, 2018

Nov 17, 2020

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Under Pressure: What it's like coming out after 30 years

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Inspect Belief Patterns, Not Laws: moving past LGBTQ discrimination

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I Owe Apologies

I didn't think this blog would lead to me coming out as gay, but it did and when it did, I didn't think there was much left to share, but there is. There is more to share now than ever and for me it's more important than ever to share it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. Here’s to a new journey!

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What Coming Out as Gay Does Not Mean: The Final Post

The final fear I had to face in the trials to triathlon story is revealed in this post. It is finally time to accept fully who I am, regardless of the consequences and step out with pride and confidence. I’m gay.

But, what does this all mean? What is going to change? What is next?

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The Truth Behind The Smile

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