Beginnings
“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth— not going all the way, and not starting”
When I think about it I find that many things I have found in recovery required difficult beginnings. Training for triathlon and recovery were both very similar. Each time I started one of these I wondered how I was going to start out on a journey without knowing the three things I always feel I need when mentally preparing for a trip? Namely, 1) what I need to start or begin on the journey (bags, money, food, airplane tickets), 2) where do I begin and 3) where does it lead and end (what’s the point).
I did not have any of these things in the first stages of recovery. All I had was a sickness for which I could find no remedy. The only things I had with respect to triathlon was a pair of biking shoes and some used spandex. I still have no idea where these things are going, but I know that they have gone to a few great destinations so far, so I trust the rest of the trip will be worth it. I now recognize that most things that have occurred during recovery like my marriage, my soon to be fatherhood and my new jobs all face similar beginnings. But, because I have reached a few great places so far I have now begun to trust that the universe that tossed these things into my heart will take care of the answers. Initially I struggled greatly. I had a very tough time jumping in, but now it seems the fear has turned into excitement and I love starting new things and seeing where they lead. Let me start with some examples from recovery and triathlon to illustrate.
In the beginning of recovery I was petrified of everything! What job was I going to be able to perform? Furthermore, how could I put up with co-workers and bosses without being loaded!? How was I going to meet or maintain any friends? All the friends I had were made and kept through drinking and drugging, or so I thought. I remember my first friend in high school was decided because we both smoked weed. We met because we were looking at the mushrooms on the football field during summer two-a day-football practice. Because of this, I had a friend before school even started! I had no idea how I was going to make friends this easy in recovery. How was I going to have any fun? How on earth was I going to find dates? These unknowns kept me from attempting recovery for some time and they were all based on fear. Fear of where things were going, what I needed while on the journey and where to begin.
The first day in the gym for triathlon training was no different. I was scared shitless when I showed up at 6am for the class called “Coach on deck” at the lap pool where a certified swimming coach helped people tune up their swimming stroke. I walked in wearing board shorts, slowly dipped in the chilly water and floundered through 4 measley laps before I began sucking water like a catfish. I made the excuse that I had a meeting to get to, so I left. I decided I would come back when I had gained some endurance! I was absolutely horrified of the treadmill; I had generally avoided the gym historically, except to hit weights when I started getting out of shape. When I did hit the weights I abstained from the entire floor that the treadmills were on unless I was racing to yoga. Even then I turned my head to avoid eye contact with the smug looking human hamsters running in place. I believed the bike studio was for losers, but it was dark so that helped me start. I can handle feeling like a loser in the dark, but running on a treadmill and swimming made me feel like everyone was looking and laughing at me.
When I downloaded my first training plan it was very similar to the step- work that the old timers in recovery meetings suggested. In both cases, my jaw dropped and I fled hopeless into the deep chasm of my soul. I sat quietly as a kid playing hide and seek who peed his pants and didn’t want any one to know. I slunk out from my hiding spot every morning languidly as a slug in the sunlight towards the treadmill, the pool and my sponsor in recovery. For each of these this feeling continued for some time but I kept chanting a song that I like to sing to myself when a trail is difficult and I have done so for some time. The song is by a bluegrass band called Railroad Earth and it goes, “put one foot in front of the other- step into the here and now- I don’t know which way its going but I’m going to get there any how.” This seemed to work.
In recovery I began to notice little things like not waking up sick, enjoying the morning, being able to eat and slowly starting to enjoy to presence of other people in my life. Since then things just keep adding up. Training has now led me to completing two triathlons, one sprint race and one Olympic race. I am now signed up for a half iron man. After that I will be able to look back on this summer and realize that the perceived embarrassment on the treadmill and in the pool were worth it!
I decided to start working a hard program of recovery because I wanted to see something new besides sickness. I started to train hard despite not knowing how and with a general sense of fear because I knew working hard had been efficient in recovery. I knew I would at least see some new gifts that I enjoyed. If I never made it to an iron man I still would come out in pretty good shape. But, the bottom line is wether I answered the three questions I started this post with?
How do I begin?
What do I need?
Where does it end?
Well where do I start? I still can’t answer that. I’d like to say that I started in the heart but I feel like that is a huge cover up for… I have no fucking clue. Am I there? No, far from it. Am I still unsure where it is going? Most certainly. Do I know what I need? Not the faintest! My triathlon coach and sponsor surprise me every day. I do now have running shoes, I do have a bike, I do own my own spandex, and I do have a loving wife and the blessing of a child to come. Do I still have fear around these questions? YES! Of course I still have fear, do I have more faith in myself? Most certainly! This is the most important thing and the question I now find more important than the other three. By doing these things and recognizing the amazing destinations I know I will continue to experience wonders. I never imagined I would be here, but I’m sure ready to jump in more pools and find more challenges now that I see where they can lead! I no longer need to ask those questions. I have a new one: am I ready? YES!
“Souls reconstructed with faith transform agony into peace”