this is that and that is this

Writing about something that has taken up significant mental storage seems to free up a lot of hard drive space. Therefore, over the weekend I have had some good room to ponder a few things. Writing this blog has helped to put some things on paper. When I typed these things, and read them while editing, I was quite surprised, notably by two things. 

First, I thought it was a little unsettling to think that it’s actually a challenge to present all the negative things that have happened in my life. There are so many events that need to be told. At times, I wonder if it all really needs to be told. I often ask myself if I can skip over this or that. Then I am reminded that I am not only writing content to move this or that out of my crowded mental storage unit, I am also writing it for other people. This fact gets me confused. Even though I’m writing it for other people, in the moment that I am actually writing I have to only think about myself, otherwise things go wrong. I mean my heart really longs for people to find hope through this story. It feels good to think someone may pick up on one of these things, relate and find inspiration. But if I think about other people when I write my story I end up picking and choosing what I believe other people need to know and that I know what other people may find helpful. I do two destructive things when this happens. I stumble and think about how I am affecting others like I did in my second post (post-post reflections) and I neglect the cathartic shuffling of my luggage. Therefore, the only way to get this type of stuff out is to think about writing it for the process and not the effect. Not only the effect on others, but the effect on myself. For instance, during my first post I expected it would feel really good and BAM it felt horrible and dark. The incongruent expectations drove me mental for the day. If you are anything like me then it is best to completely do away with any thought that has any sort of attachment to it. Is that pitiful? I don’t know. All I know is my addict mind does not have the leisure to sit with attachments and expectations. Shit, if I get too attached to the day and the night comes then it pisses me off. By the morning time I have come to love the night and the day makes me a new type of insane. If I live in this pattern I die. These types of thoughts remind me of the heroin days. Everything on earth, including the old, grimy armpit of the gas station bathroom world I used to frequent to shoot up could be heaven or hell. The flickering florescent light at one moment would be making me gag and the next would make me feel like a hero after battle or rock star after a sold out show, ready to accept death or glory, which ever came first. If I stayed too long it would make me feel like gaging and dying at the same time, unless I had more for my vein. In fact, everything was like that. Even cigarettes. When the cig was almost gone, I got anxious. The reason is clear now. I hated everything because I knew eventually the good feeling would leave. Therefore, I started hating the moment before the good feeling left because I knew the bad feeling was coming. I had to run and run and run. Eventually, good and bad all felt bad. Oblivion was all that worked. I needed to be knotting off or I was unhappy. This made for a very poor research assistant (which is why I was kicked out of my post graduate research lab), a poor friend, and a horrible husband and father. I have always heard the joy is in the journey. I believe I finally understand that now. During triathlon this is something very important. When I think about the end of the race it is hard to finish. Even worse is when I think about the race while I am training. I end up with a deep feeling of anxiety in my belly and loose hope. It makes me feel like giving up. Therefore, instead of thinking about the race while training I think about becoming a better swimmer while swimming, cyclist while biking and runner while running. If I do this while I am racing I am able to hold back all of what people call “race anxiety.” It becomes the process, not the effect. It lowers my heart rate and clears my mind, it gives me a smile, its how I choose to live my life, it’s how I have to write this story. 

Second, I got to thinking about the role these events played in my life. For instance, would I have what it takes to embody the role of an expectant father and husband to an amazing wife if these things did not occur? Would I be able to be an aspiring triathlete who takes pride in long endurance work-outs and slow coming small step stone achievements like “I can place my foot this high when I stretch now.” Would I have what it takes to embody these new roles that have come up? I have heard other addicts in recovery say that the devotion they learned to procure drugs helps them in their devotion to routines that help them in recovery. This is absurd to me. The devotion I had to procure drugs was self-driven towards escape. I was only driven to the bottle, pill, needle, pipe or line in order to avoid reality and reach oblivion. If I used this devotion in recovery then I would only be finding things to escape. I would be using training to escape, my wife to escape, my writing to escape, my job to escape. I have heard of work out addicts, but I think I made a vital decision that helps me from using it as an escape. Who knows, it may help you. The day after I told my wife that I was thinking of doing a triathlon I decided to work out and train for it with a cause. I started a go-fund-me called tri-4-youth sobriety and use the money I raise to support non-profits with their drug and alcohol programs. I did not plan on it having this effect on me. I did not plan on the go-fund-me to prevent some new addiction from forming. But now, I believe that I (or my god particle) unconsciously flipped what could have been a move towards escape into something that I could not escape from. I now feel I (or my god particle) is doing the same thing with this writing. In the same way, I know now how to navigate all of life. You see I can never satisfy my own wants and desires. But, for instance, I can bring a smile to my wife while making me feel good inside too. When I go to get a ginger beer from the store I can buy her favorite kind. Then when I come home my selfish act I end up bringing her a smile. I must note that the smile actually feels better than the ginger beer! The point is that any self-drive that I have can easily be shared. It’s so simple. It’s unnatural and feels like swimming with flippers on, but after I got used to it I feel like I can fly through life like a seal through the water. If I apply this then I can be a better husband, father, son, worker, friend, athlete and writer. 

So, yes I do believe that the events have helped me and the only reason they help me is by recognizing the process. Triathlon is my recovery, recovery is my triathlon. My past is a story and  life is writing itself. This that and that is this, I can't seem to have one without the other. 

Note: it has helped me ponder some things- not organize things. Hopefully I will get better at that! For now I just have to toss things out there and enjoy the process!