The Fear-Based Trials

So some of you may know why I started this blog. For those who don’t or for those that need a reminder, Almost a year ago I began writing the content and publishing it through this blog. It started off like this. I sat down in a coffee shop and began throwing up through my fingers on the keyboard in an effort to get some very difficult and troubling information that I had held deep down for a very long time. You can read more about those in my early post like the Nit and Grit or life after sexual victimization. I had to get that stuff out before I repressed it again. I had to do this for two reasons. First, if I continued to hold it in then I was going to suffer more relapses causing pain to my wife whom I loved dearly. Second, if I kept the story in forever I would never be able to help others- which was the goal of the AA program I had been working diligently at the time.

Now this blog has began to morph into a few different things. I had hoped to slowly write my story down in thrown up articles and eventually gather these all up and ship them off to some publishers who would put it together for a book. In a sense I am still doing that and for the purpose of this article I am going to continue in that spirit.

The book, Trials to Triathlon (title pending) is a story of recovery. It isn’t a story about finding recovery, it’s a story that happened during recovery and eventually lead me to triathlon and a new life. I started my journey in recovery long before the trials started. Most of these times were not trials at all. They were fun, color filled and happy. The actual trials began when I was faced with three fears that kept me from actually recovering while in recovery (identity, intimacy, failure). I was like a cancer patient with all the medication to heal, but I was only taking the comfort meds while my disease festered. After 15 years of being “in recovery,” there came a series of three relapses that ultimately made me face the fears I had been suppressing with comfort meds. I had finally reached a decision point. I had to either recover and recover fully and immediately, or meet death in recovery.

Many, Many, Many addicts choose the latter and I was very close to making that decision too, but triathlon saved my life. The decision was absolutely arbitrary, in fact, it was probably a decision that has roots closely tied to my addict brain, which is built on pillars of grandiosity and a wickedly fantastical and delusional self-image. BUT despite having roots in my maladaptive thinking, the decision still saved my life.

Triathlon has helped me to move past recovery and into a state of being recovered. The book is about the last three relapses that I had, which Jess and I consider the trials. Each of these relapses coincide with a deep rooted fear that I was not able to fully grasp or deal with until triathlon taught me the lessons.

First was my fear of self, identity and not being superman. I had to be the man I actually was. I learned very early on in training that if I didn’t accept where I was athletically, I could wind up very very injured. And I did. Second my fear of others and intimacy. I was very resistant to seeking help and triathlon showed me that I wasn’t going to be able to succeed without a coaches help. Not only that, I wasn’t going to be able to lie to my coach without injuring myself. Third was my fear of failure. I was scared that I was always going to fail. But, triathlon taught me that each moment can be a success. Each training session can be a success. If I made it to a race and was standing at the starting gate I felt like a success (but only if I had been true to my coach and myself in the process).

For now I am just going to relate those fears to triathlon. Being true to self, being true to others and not living fearful of failing but realizing even trying is a success. But to hear more about these fears you are just going to have to wait for the book :)

Oh I want to tell you so much more right now, it’s killing me. But I’ve already said too much.

Goodnight!