The Struggle: Ups & Downs

The past two weeks have been marked by bouts with depression followed by surges of euphoric energy. In the psychological world these experiences are symptoms of a disorder called bi-polar. In my world, they are signs of a spiritual malady. The spirit is an aspect of the human experience that is not widely accepted as a cause for such symptoms- but in my experience it is where it all begins. I will go on to show this is essence of not only addiction in my case but also many of my mental health problems.

I had a few thoughts I was sure of when I first began this walk towards sober living. One thought I was mistaken about was that I would not need my various forms of medications if I could get my anxiety under control. In early posts I have explained my medications as including xanax, marijuana, alcohol, sleeping pills, speed/adderall, hallucinogens and dissociatives, No2, cocaine, opiates and sex. Upon further inspection however, my medication can be simplified. It is anything that has helped me to feel something different. Anxiety was only one thing I needed escape from. If I feel sleepy then an upper is the antidote. If I feel manic and hyper then a downer helps me recover from reality. If music and the spectacular color and light produced by a live concert push the limits of reality then a little bit of acid makes it weird and pushes that limit a little further. My comfort zone is the opposite of what is.

These behaviors are typical of human beings but my comfort zone is the opposite of what is. Many people like to enhance an experience with substances. I can’t say this type of search is inherently wrong and I can’t legitimately say that any of these things in and of themselves represent a spiritual malady. Because of this, I don’t attempt to preach a way of living more just. The reason why these things represent a spiritual issue for myself is because my problem ran a little more deep than altering consciousness, and recent events can shed light on that.

A few months ago I drove a woman who had become so dear to me far away. I had recently been experiencing relational success like I had never known to be possible. Love, and all of it’s meaning, had come to fruition in my life. I had been done drinking and using for some time. My anxiety seemed to have been healed. I did not want to drink. I did not want to use. I had successfully done things sober that I never thought I would be able to do without a substance- like meeting my wife’s family and introducing her to mine. In fact, I was finally experiencing a clearheadedness I wouldn’t trade for anything, but I was mistaken. There was something I was willing to trade it for. I ended up drinking and refilling my prescription, but not for a mental or emotional release. I did not do this to get fucked up. I did this to ruin the things I had achieved. Success and love was good, but it was also unpredictable. When would I fall from it? I knew it was going to come soon or later and the way I knew I could make the fall happen was to start using and drinking. I was not wrong.

What I learned through this is that in the things I used to escape there is always an element of control. In life- may I be having good feelings or bad feelings there is an element of uncertainty. There is an aspect of trust, of faith. I was unwilling to be open to concepts like these. I knew that by taking heroin I would feel down- but I controlled the down. I knew that speed would bring me up and make me anxious. But I instigated it. In this way, I was master of my world. Some of the drugs that I took regularly I didn’t even like (like mushrooms). But even in these cases it was predictably bad, so it seemed more safe than the alternative.

Now that I don’t take drugs and alcohol I go into highs where it feels like time is moving quickly. During these spells my walk seems like a run and the sun seems brighter. Then, out of nowhere I wake up to a day dismal. I meet the lows. It feels like I have to consciously lift my foot of lead and place it in front of the other in order to move forward. The anxiety of not knowing if I will be high or low can be extreme and crippling and this is precisely why an element of the spirit is at play.

With some practice I have learned that the lows can be filled with horrible, nightmarish suicidal thoughts that are very disparaging. But, if I plug into life, into relationship with my wife for instance or service work for someone in need, then few days later the horrors subside and the blue sky comes back over the mountain. If I do this, I recognize my experience with bipolar to be a spiritual gift. It is a calling for me to reach out to others! It’s a reminder that I don’t have to be alone! It may even be a clandestine calling from others that they need me. It almost seems like my body is producing the chemicals for depression so that I get out of myself. My body/spirit realizes that I get so ego-driven that I need to feel extreme depression. In turn there is only one choice and that is to serve others. On the contrary, when I am feeling high as a kite and somewhat invincible I have noticed it is my spirit telling me to slow down and look. During these times I am able to notice every little detail. If I take a step back I can find the subtle gaps I need to fill, such is the case with respect to relationships. Often gaps have grown during my times of avoidance and depression. Therefore, it’s a great time to call a friend, give an overdue back rub, do some chores or write a blog. Sometimes this is going to coffee with a stranger who is interested in recovery from drugs and alcohol. E

The fact is that I don’t have to be scared of my mental handicaps anymore. When I was using I was constantly afraid of them, I lived in fear of my next low. I often woke up regretting some of the quick decisions I made in my last high. But now I know I can use these extreme feelings. I can use them to better myself and the world around me.